Today, I'm daring myself to be transparent. My ego is furious. I'm feeling vulnerable.
I had
a bad night. Pain does not sleep. Self-pity does not rest. My mind wants to
list all of the ways I am uncomfortable, my tally of losses, and how angry I am
that my current circumstances render me useless.
It's
not pretty.
I try
to reason with myself. I am safe and warm. I am loved. My brain still functions
some of the time.
I
think of those who are homeless, hungry, lost, and without hope. Their
suffering is so much greater.
Right?
Who am I to complain?
Depression
and anxiety are so loud. No matter how good I felt yesterday, somehow in
the night I am thrown back into the abyss.
It's
another morning of making the climb out of the pit. It's time for my morning
gymnastics.
Music
helps. One of my favorite Sting songs (Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot) says
it well:
When the doctors failed to heal you
When no medicine chest can make you well
When no counsel leads to comfort
When there are no more lies they can tell
No more useless information
And the compass spins
The compass spins between heaven and hell
Let your soul be your pilot
Let your soul guide you
He'll guide you well
I read. Oswald Chambers dares me to take up my
cross. Jesus Calling reminds me that God does not ask me to do
anything more than he has already done for me. I study and meditate.
"Here we indeed groan, and long to put on
our heavenly dwelling, so that by putting it
on we may not be found naked. For while we are
sill in this tent, we sign with anxiety;...
He who has prepared us for this very thing is
God,
who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee."
2 Corinthians 5:2-5
I pray. A lot. For everyone and everything.
Scanning the psychic energy fields to connect, to send love and light and
healing. To listen for direction.
Then, I work with my body. I stretch with gentle
exercise to help with the pain. Some days it is grueling just to touch my toes.
But I do it anyway. I'd rather feel the good pain than be held hostage by the
bad pain.
Most days, that is my morning routine.
Oh, wow, Paula. I'm so grateful that you are baring your soul. It is so full of light and guidance and is so precious. What I love is that you are wrestling with pain and limitation and yet finding ways to cope through art like the Sting lyrics and the Bible verse reflections and your conversations with your daughter. Thank you for showing these ways to cope, spelling them out. Thank you for being so brave. I gulped when I saw that photo...which you equate to crawling up and out of a night of pain. Profound blessings from my heart to yours. I hope you will keep sharing. Most of us do not have the enormity of what you struggle with, yet I learned a lot here to apply to my own life and to share with others I know in deep pain. And I will be telling them to find this blog. THANK YOU.
ReplyDeleteDearest Paula, I had the intuition to look for you on FB to find this; I have wondered how you are and I send you healing loving light. I see you held in the arms of Jesus when you need to be held. Yes, the angels are with you, providing the comforter to wrap you in love. Life can be so hard, yet God is Good. Thank you for agreeing to stay. Our world needs you.
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